What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 10:37
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It was going to be , some day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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But, we were locked up after school.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was scared of men, in general
So whats the point in blame.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im still living with it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Do you enjoy cheating on your spouse? If so, why?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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I waited trembling.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What is the difference between Michael Corleone’s marriage to Apollonia Vitelli and Kay Adams?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She wouldn,t have been !
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was seconnd youngest,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was very sick at this time too.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I couldn’t, believe it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is soul school!.
She was in good health!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She found it foreign!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We all went to grammer schools
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
My family never makes their pension either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
All the time i was locked up.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I think the readers, may guess!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She married twice! .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Would this be the day?
But it wasn’t much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My life is so biszare .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ive learnt so much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
I said to her
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She loved him until the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot live in the past .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And i lived it daily.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
What did i know ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
When she asked me how she looked .
He knew the spot.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I write beautiful poetry .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Put me off passion for life!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,